Anybody who is different raises eyebrows and even disliked for being different by others. Having Aspergers is no exception and it is easy to see we are different and make false assumptions about us. I've had people accuse me of being a homosexual and harass me for this reason, called a retard, and often was referred to as "the possessed one" by a classmate who's girlfriend couldn't stand me so he scored points with her for harassing me by referring to me as the evil one and tripping me down the stairs among other pranks. Nobody wants to be different but sadly some people have to be the different ones and play the outcast. I can remember Mr. Rogers once singing a song "Everybody's different, everybody's fine." which is a bunch of bullshit. If you have sever differences you are an outcast and are treated as someone who doesn't belong in the human race by the normal humans. There's plenty of differences that people can see from people who have aspergers and deem us outcasts!
First a lot of people see our low social functioning as a sign of being mentally challenged and I never knew what a "Retard" was until classmates called me one and I mentioned this to my parents who told me what they meant which was upsetting for me. Sometimes we keep to ourselves which makes others think we are stuck up or have no interests in talking to them. A lot of us have limited emotions that make us appear to lack empathy. Most of us do have empathy. We care about things as much as everyone else does and we do care about people in general even if we don't act this way and even if we are treated like trash by most people. Some people with Aspergers (or at least for me) have an intense gaze or stare and don't achieve eye contact with others. This is hard because a lot of woman see me looking downward and with my intense gaze and lack of facial expressions, they are freaked out thinking I am mentally undressing them. In addition, if I am looking at a clock across the room and they happen to turn around, I have been accustomed to looking away because I fear that they will think I'm staring at them which isn't the best way to handle this since looking away if they look over gives them the impression that I was staring at them. I'm also very shy so add this to the lack of facial expressions, a monotonous sounding voice, an appearance of a lack of empathy, and intense staring makes any woman see me as a creep. I'm afraid to look people straight in the eye and it didn't help with some rejections I encountered in my life especially from women who were freaked out by me. I also don't talk much finding it hard to carry out a conversation so women also are freaked out because I hardly talk. I really wish that women understood that I have no intentions of hurting them and if they tell me to leave them alone, I will do whatever I can to avoid them. So many women have been freaked out when I've just said 'Hi' to them and it really hurts when you are repeatedly told to stay away from them as if you plan to stalk them.
I've had some bad experiences from both men and women but it hurts more when you are treated like crap by a woman. My first experience with rejection happened in my new grade school that I was transferred during the fifth grade.
There were a couple of classmates who I first thought were twins and admired how they dressed in nylons and seemed to wear similar outfits and looked alike which was why I thought they were twins. A classmate decided to tell them that I had a crush on them which at first I thought nothing would come of it. All of a sudden these two girls were telling me to stop looking at them as I walk down the hall and saying how much they hate me! I figured they would leave me alone since now they have made it clear to me they don't want anything to do with me and wish I were dead. Unfortunately, this was only the beginning! I was constantly told to "stop staring" and received derogatory comments especially from one of them named Jennifer. At the time I didn't have the knowledge I later gained so I didn't treat this situation well. As soon as both these girls indicated they hated me, I didn't want anything to do with them and I found myself trying to prove that I no longer am interested in them either which I wasn't successful at doing. This is one of the reasons my life was hell in my new Grade School even though I spent only the fifth and sixth grade there. Even if I was several feet away from them in the playground they assumed I was following them or watching them. In reality I wished I could go back to my other school or another school so that I can avoid these girls! On rare occasions someone stood up for me including a woman named Annette who asked what both Jennifer and Denise's problems were with me. She questioned why they treated me so bad when I hardly did anything to them in her opinion and I seemed to be avoiding Jennifer and Denise. I was glad to finally leave this school for a Junior High school that they won't be attending! There were some women who treated me okay at this school and even though I had this severe rejection episode, I was able to gather the guts to talk to another girl who I doubt really liked me but was being nice to me especially after I had the guts to talk to her when I am so shy.
In Junior High I had a few bad experiences but for the most part these were isolated events. I was terrified to talk to women so unlike my days in grade school, I avoided talking to women. I also spent time in special education classes so women knew I was one of the "special students". I do remember one woman named Heidi even had a crush on me and would hug me when she saw me walking the halls-I sure could use a hug from her now! I did have a woman play a very dirty trick on me in a class in the 8th grade. Valerie had a friend named Melanie who hated me (but I didn't know this). Valerie decided to play a dirty prank and sent me a note to me supposedly from Melanie and I didn't think twice about responding. I responded and in very hostile words, Melanie told me she hated me and to stay away from her and don't send any more notes to her. Melanie was like Jennifer from my grade school days except I never found her attractive at all. I just figured since Melanie sent me a note (or at least I thought she did), I would respond since it would be rude. She would tell me to stay away from her even when I was in high school just minding my own business in the hall or even grabbing a book from my locker and not even noticing her. If I saw her walking down the hall, I would attempt to leave before she even saw me. I dreaded encounters with her! It's bad enough to have a decent looking woman who you later find out is a total bitch treat you like crap but a woman you never found attractive in the first place is much worse. She thought I was attracted to her when the only reason I sent the note to her was because I didn't know it was a forgery and wished I never crossed paths with her and kept trying to figure ways to avoid her. I doubt I could have convinced her that I'm not really interested in her after all and I sent the note to her assuming she really did write a note and she figured I was obsessed with her but she didn't like me! I couldn't believe it, another version of my situation with Jennifer in Grade School. Melanie was much worse than Jennifer and I imagine if we were to cross paths today, she would probably call the cops on me claiming I was stalking her or tell her husband! I wanted her to go away but realized that both of us would be going to the same high school so I have to at least deal with her in high school but luckily it was my senior year!
In high school I was starting to regain my confidence in talking to women probably because in high school I started noticing the beauty of women. Some girls who were not so attractive in Junior High suddenly blossomed into beauties in high school. Some probably couldn't wear make-up in junior high but others had their body develop making them look hot! It increased my interests in women which was already high and for some reason I gained confidence and tried to talk to them. I remember talking to a woman named Natalie who was friends with a woman I had interests in since the seventh grade. A beautiful redhead named Cheryl who I was afraid to talk to even in high school. I had a crush on this girl all through Junior High but was afraid of what would happen if she found out. About the only times I talked to her in Junior High was to ask her for her autograph for my yearbook at the end of the school year. I kind of used Natalie as someone to practice with so that I had confidence when I talked to Cheryl. Unfortunately my confidence was sapped when I met a girl named Darla. During Junior High she indicated she liked me and talked to me in my Sophomore year in High School. I asked her for her phone number and she gave it to me. I called that night at the time I told her I would call (7 PM) and there wasn't an answer. I should have took this as a hint that she wasn't interested in me. I called about a week or so later and a guy answered (probably her boyfriend) and as soon as I said 'Hi' and said who I was, she hung up making a loud crashing noise as she slammed the phone back to the receiver. I was crushed and confused since she seemed to be interested in me but now has indicated that she isn't interested in me. I assume it may be because of the guy who answered the phone if he was indeed her boyfriend but why did she give me her phone number in the first place if she had no interests? I just assumed when I called and she didn't answer that she was off somewhere (We didn't have cell phones or even caller ID in the 80s). This hurt me pretty bad and I remember I even cried and still don't have trust in women because of this incident that happened over 20 years ago! I'm a very sensitive guy and with all the rejection I ended up depressed all through high school and to this day I'm still depressed because I want the love and companionship that only a woman can provide. I thought of suicide in High School but assumed things would get better and that I shouldn't commit suicide. Sadly, this was probably the biggest mistake I made in my life! My life would never get better and at the time, I was brave enough to end my life unlike now.
My decision not to commit suicide back in high school was probably the dumbest decision I ever have made in my life! To this day I regret that I didn't have the knowledge that my life wasn't going to get better and that things that I had dreams of in my life such as marriage would never happen and I will be the same lonely person my entire life. I will always be an outcast who society will reject and I had the chance back in high school to put a final end to the permanent hellhole that's called my life. People say that suicide is a permanent solution to a permanent problem but I am facing a permanent problem. There is no cure for Aspergers and I can't die from loneliness but get to spend the rest of my life with the curse of Aspergers and be lonely for the rest of my life. This is more than enough reason to put a final end to my life!
